Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You're like the curious george of whores
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
