broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
