Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
