Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
