Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
