how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
