so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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