He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
where are my eyebrows?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
