I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Randomize
