Tell her she can't have a vagina
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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