We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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