his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
