my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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