you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Four minutes until I can fart!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
