she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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