Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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