So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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