Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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