when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
