My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
