He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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