I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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