the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
