Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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