i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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