ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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