You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
