Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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