Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
