it hurts more in the daytime
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
