4 words: hood of his car
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
