Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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