im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
