We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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