My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
