Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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