please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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