Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
