Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
