Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I know her cup size but not her name....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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