Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
