he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
