I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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