I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
