Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
even my farts smell like vagina
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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