we're chasing vodka with high fives
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
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I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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