My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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