guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
