I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
