Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
