dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
