You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
