You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
