I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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