I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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