if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
