I have demons in me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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