i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
