just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
