I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i believe in u and ur pee
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
